The one who fakes it all the way

I am a person who is easily depressed by everything that happened around me. *sigh*

But I wish to be happy.

They said the person who laugh the most is the person with the most pain dwelling inside of them. Thus, I tried so hard not to be the person that laugh out loud. But even without the laugh, I still have a growing pain inside of me. 😞

When I was around 5 years old, I remember how my mom always fetch me up from school and then my mom will drive me around the town to take me for lunch. It was once a happy phase for me.

Back then when I was in that age, I used to be sad if my mom or my dad ignored me. And my to-go-to place is inside my room or to the playground near my house. I will sit by the swing all by myself, swinging myself to and fro, up high to the sky wondering if I’ll be able to touch that cotton clouds. I will be there for all evening and by then my mood and my frustration towards my parents will be gone. Gone as if it has been blown away by the soft slow wind. The wind that somehow healed my sadness and breeze it away from me.

Over the years growing up away from my parents and family, I developed a feeling of oneness. Not that I, myself want to feel that way. But growing up away and apart from my family, I can’t help but to let the feeling to developed itself. Every time, whether I’m sad or tired or frustrated of the world and life of mine, I cry by myself and at the end of the cry, I knew that there will be no one beside me patting me by my head telling its okay to cry and its okay to feel frustrated. And at the end of the cry, I know that I need to braze myself up because no one is there to comfort me. And thus, I grew up with no shoulder to cry and no hand to hold and no ears to listen to my stories. I grow up feeling that it is okay to be alone as long as I held my self together and get myself through my shit together.

Along the way of me growing up, my mom fell sick. Being the one away from my family, I can’t help but to smile as I reached my solemn home as I knew that if I put myself into the solemn situation, the whole family will crumble down. Me,myself will crumble down. So, I force myself to smile. A fake smile is fine. I taught myself to be the clown of the family, so once in a while, in that stressful situation, they can look at me and laugh at my silliness. I let myself be the fool.

I wanted to help heal the pain in everyone’s heart but little did I know, the pain in my heart worsen and the scar bleeds again. And I have no one to turn to thus suppressing it was the only way to live. And sealing the pains and the scars was the only way I know that can stop the pain.

Growing up, I constantly remind myself not to cause any problem nor misbehave. There are times when I wanted to shout, scream my lungs out, threw some fit, be rebellious. There are time that I am super mad, super frustrated and super tired of the life I’m living, but I have no choice but to keep quiet and smile. I have to be the good one. Even if it is not my fault, I ended up be the one who will be apologizing and feels bad as if it is my fault to start with.

One day, I thought that I should put a stop of being the goody-good. I want to be me. And put all the pretends and lies away. I want to be me.

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