I was surfing the internet as usual because I know that’s the only way for me to the outside world. And all of a sudden, an article pops up.
“HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A DEPRESSION?”
I wanted to shut it away but somehow I thought, why not?
So, I clicked on it. The first sentence was “I know you feel this article is ridiculous but if you think that the things mention below coincides with you. GET A HELP!”
And being the silly me. I cried when I saw the word help. Because nobody ever said to me to get a help. Nobody ever said that I need help. Nobody ever care. Seeing the word help, makes me emotional because somehow I feels like somebody finally care about me. Somebody finally want to talk to me. The stupid me. The weird me. The plain me.
So, I cried. For a whole hour. I cried because of the word HELP. Because of that particular word, I feel like I’m somehow getting a knocked on my head by a hammer. To wake up, to get out from the house and seek help.
However, I’m clueless. To whom shall I seek HELP? To whom should I go? Does anyone ever care for me? Should I run to my family who constantly scold me for shutting myself out? Should I turn to my family who constantly called me crazy jokingly without even realizing that it hurts and it bleeds deeply with scars in me? Or should I turn to a friend that I never have? The friend that was never existed?
I returned back home. Feeling hopeless. Cried myself to sleep for God knows how long. Waking up again feeling numb and empty. Wakes up, went to work. Came home with a smile as if I have no worries nor sadness. Just to satisfy all the people at home. Came home trying to be the goody-good. Because I’m the only one who can’t voice-out my opinion at home. Because I need to be good and there’s no exception even when I’m down, even when I wanted to crumble down, even when I feel like dying.
However, the word HELP keeps on bugging me. Oh God, I need help. I need help now. I need to find help. It keeps on repeating in my head. I’m tired. I’m tired of thinking who should I go to seek help? I know, He did listened to me. That’s why the word HELP keeps on ringing by my ears. So I did what everyone did. I drove to the hospital. It was a long drive with lots of U-turn and thoughts and everything.
I did ends up in front of the hospital. However, I can’t bring myself out the car. I can’t bring myself to tell other people that I need HELP. That I need to be diagnosed with something. That I am ill and I need HELP. So I cried again for my life is meaningless and I’m such an egomaniac that knows that I shall seek help but couldn’t force myself to go seek for one. Fool me. Stupid me. And all I did was cried.
It was a tortured. Will I be judged by the person I will seek my HELP? Will people actually listen to me? Will I be okay then? Will the suicidal thoughts be gone? Will the sunshine shines brightly again? Will I be able to pull myself out from the failure mud that I’ve stuck on too long? Will I be able to excel? Will I be able to ME again?
I, overthink. The thoughts consumed me. A supposedly easy procedure which was to get out of the car and tell the doctor I need HELP becomes an hour of crying, hundreds of minutes contemplating and thousands of seconds of telling myself that I shall be alright once I seek for the HELP.
Just a mere talk to a person by the registration counter, breaks my cold sweat. I was trembling. What if the doctor just wouldn’t care? What if he/she judge me? So, with that millions of what if’s, I worked up the to stand and walk towards the door, believing that the person behind the door will understands me. For I need HELP.
Maybe it was the hardest steps that I’ve ever took in my entire life. But it was worth it. And I do hope that I’ll be me again.
And I do hope. That all the people out there will somehow finds their solace in the word and act of a HELP.