I FUCKING HATE ROUTINES.
I am someone who sucks in managing my time and schedule thus it turns me into a schedule monster who destroys everything and anything in the schedule.
Waking up in the morning is one hell of a work for me. I have to drag myself out from the bed and start thinking bout the day when I don’t even feel like living anymore. The word LIFE doesn’t really mean anything to me anymore.
However, this mentality needs to STOP!
I hate being a living corpse. I need to get my life back.
I NEED TO BE A HUMAN.
So, I tried. And tried.
I am trying. Hard. But at the end of the day in the darkness of my bedroom, I can’t help but to think that all these routines, the spirits to live and the anxiety I tried to push away was never away.
Instead, it lingers. It was playing with me. Toying with me.
It wants me to think that I am strong enough to face the world. But somehow, it peeks again into my life when I am trying to convince myself that I am me and nobody can stop me.
And there I go again. Feeling helpless. Lost. And was never good enough for the world. For my family. For anyone.
I am trapped. Inside the world of my anxiety.
There are maybe doors to go out from this dark dark world but I have yet so find the keys.
And so I searched. In darkness. High and low. Gasping as many air as I get for I feel suffocated from this darkness and walls of anxiety.
And at last. Depression won me over.
There I am again. Lying on the hard cold floor trying to bring myself up again. I hate myself for collapsing down once again.
Medications was never enough to shoo away my depressions nor my anxiety. Support groups sessions was like a place to go when I want to daydream.
Thus, I am back to square one. I need help. And I sought for one. I feel better then come these evil people subconsciously pull me down.
To them, I never meant a thing. I am just human and perhaps for them with no feeling. I am emotionless for them for I do not bring any goods to them. I am a mere human with no benefits.
Thus, I fall deeper into the darkness with the hope of vanishing from this cruel world I am living now.
Till then and still living,