Being human

I FUCKING HATE ROUTINES.

I am someone who sucks in managing my time and schedule thus it turns me into a schedule monster who destroys everything and anything in the schedule.

Waking up in the morning is one hell of a work for me. I have to drag myself out from the bed and start thinking bout the day when I don’t even feel like living anymore. The word LIFE doesn’t really mean anything to me anymore.

However, this mentality needs to STOP!

I hate being a living corpse. I need to get my life back.

I NEED TO BE A HUMAN. 

Again.

So, I tried. And tried.

I am trying. Hard. But at the end of the day in the darkness of my bedroom, I can’t help but to think that all these routines, the spirits to live and the anxiety I tried to push away was never away.

Instead, it lingers. It was playing with me. Toying with me.

It wants me to think that I am strong enough to face the world. But somehow, it peeks again into my life when I am trying to convince myself that I am me and nobody can stop me.

And there I go again. Feeling helpless. Lost. And was never good enough for the world. For my family. For anyone.

I am trapped. Inside the world of my anxiety.

There are maybe doors to go out from this dark dark world but I have yet so find the keys.

And so I searched. In darkness. High and low. Gasping as many air as I get for I feel suffocated from this darkness and walls of anxiety.

And at last. Depression won me over.

There I am again. Lying on the hard cold floor trying to bring myself up again. I hate myself for collapsing down once again.

Medications was never enough to shoo away my depressions nor my anxiety. Support groups sessions was like a place to go when I want to daydream.

Thus, I am back to square one. I need help. And I sought for one. I feel better then come these evil people subconsciously pull me down.

To them, I never meant a thing. I am just human and perhaps for them with no feeling. I am emotionless for them for I do not bring any goods to them. I am a mere human with no benefits.

Thus, I fall deeper into the darkness with the hope of vanishing from this cruel world I am living now.

Till then and still living,

TJ

 

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2 Comments

  1. I have found that depression can never be cured. But, during the good days, if you tell yourself to notice all the good things in your life, it helps during the bad days. Maybe it helps by shortening the bad days by a few hours. Maybe it helps by toning down the badness by 1%. But it helps.

    Trying to be positive during the bad days makes everything worse for me.

    1. Thank you for your tips! I will try it sometimes. Its true. Trying to be positive on the bad days really doesnt help. Sometimes, I just wish to talk to someone who understands me. But most of the time, I’m alone. My family doesnt really take depression seriously. They think that depression is just some emo phase of life.

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